are you looking for an answer - {for Jo}

[girl_at_the_window]

Susan wakes up into dull, numb agony, every movement aching. It turns out coming back from the dead is never what you'd call relaxing. Everything feels broken, oddly displaced.

It takes her several minutes to gather the strength to sit up, reach for her computer, and, after a little thought, start to type.

>burningpassion: well
>burningpassion: im back

Comments

[girl_at_the_window]

Susan nods soberly. She's trying not to let her emotions show too clearly on her face, but her antennae are drooping, her lips pressed together.

"I don't, either," she says after a moment, very quietly. She isn't looking at him, but down at her hands, twisting her fingers together. "You're... you've been better to me than any man ever was, I think. And I'm sorry it's taken us down this way. I truly am. You don't deserve this shit."

[thefuckingbeam]

Eddie looks over at her out of the corner of her eye, and it makes him feel a little better at least to see that they're both feeling a similar way. But her words make him feel worse, because if this is anyone's fault, it's his. For not having better self-control. For being an idiot who couldn't leave well enough alone.

Against his better judgment, he reaches out and puts a hand over both of hers. "Don't. Don't apologize, this ain't your fault." His hand gives a brief squeeze and then draws back. "Just...what, am I supposed to stay away from you now? I really don't want that." She's important to him. He's felt that way from the very beginning. And maybe he's being childish, like a kid whose toy is about to be taken away, but losing her would hurt more than he's prepared to accept.

[girl_at_the_window]

"I ain't sure I can bear that." She says it very quietly, but she absolutely means it. He's one of the most important people in her life, and she can't just let go of that, not when she's just starting to find her place here. It isn't just that they're an-tet (though she has no doubt of it, frankly) but she loves him because he's a dear friend.

She sighs, closing her eyes. "I don't know, Eddie. I don't think we can stay away, and I don't think we can be close, and I... I don't know. Truly. I can't just stop wanting."

[thefuckingbeam]

He leans forward now, cradling his face in his hands. He's relieved, at least, that she doesn't want him to keep away from her. He'd listen, of course, because he's not a creepy douchebag, but it would blow chunks.

"Me either," he admits, rather miserably. "Should I—do you want me to leave?"

[girl_at_the_window]

She ought to say yes. It would be the sensible thing to do, not to mention the right thing. But in the end, it isn't even her attraction that sways her. She still feels death's coldness on her, the bleak horror of knowing what happened, the instinctive fear that you can't come back once - let alone twice - and still be the same person.

She's scared, that's the truth. She's scared, and she doesn't want to be alone.

So she shakes her head, forcing a little smile. "Stay. Just 'til Chie comes back, at least."

[thefuckingbeam]

Maybe, just a little, Eddie is afraid, too. Afraid to go back home and be alone with the realization of what just happened, alone with his shame and guilt and the still-lingering desire he feels for her. So he forces a grin, too, and gets up, moving to another chair just to give her some space. Or maybe to keep himself from temptation.

"If that's what you want, then of course I'll stay."

[girl_at_the_window]

He's staying, and she's grateful, but now she doesn't know what to say. What can you say, after that? Either you address it, make it ache worse, or you pretend it didn't happen, and that's a falsity she's not prepared for.

So she sits in silence for a long time, looking down at her coffee. At last, she says slowly, "Did aught come of it? Kira and all? Nobody went on killin', right?"

[thefuckingbeam]

Yeah, this is awkward. He ought to have anticipated that. It's even more awkward when he's still half-hard in his pants and with no way of hiding it that isn't incredibly obvious.

It's a relief when she finally breaks the silence, needless to say. His own coffee is cold and forgotten and he's wishing it wasn't, just to have something to occupy his hands with.

"No," he says. "As far as I know, anyway. Not that the temptation wasn't there, mind you. But I figured that wasn't what you'd have wanted."

[girl_at_the_window]

"You figured right." She smiles a little, but doesn't look up at him. "It wasn't murder. No more than what I did. Just... justice. The old kind." A life for a life. She doesn't blame Mitsuhide for that, even if she doesn't feel like killing Kira was any sort of a crime. She'd have done the same, in his place.

It doesn't mean she likes it, of course. But it's still a relief to know it hasn't gone on spiralling down the way she was afraid it might, kill leading onto kill leading onto kill. She didn't want to have to carry that.

She sips her own coffee - now lukewarm, too, but she's ignoring that - and sighs. "Gods, Eddie. Why is everything always so bedamned complicated?"

[thefuckingbeam]

"I figured as much. It pissed me the hell off, but I'm not idiot enough to go after anyone that obviously crazy." Not without another Gunslinger, anyway, and there's no way Jake would have any of that without a damn good reason.

Her question has him looking sidelong at her, and he seems to deflate a little. "I don't know," he admits. "Sometimes I think humans are built to make everything harder than it needs to be." To want what we're not supposed to want, he almost adds, but doesn't. No need making this more painful than it has to be.

[girl_at_the_window]

She smiles a little, thinly and without much humour. "You'd think of all the human things for her to wipe us clean of, she'd at least try for that." It's a joke, although one that's more bitter than funny.

Sighing, she rubs her eyes with a free hand. "Though it's probably fun to watch, if you don't have to be a part of it. Man plans, God laughs, my da used to say."

[thefuckingbeam]

"Yeah, I don't think that'd be much fun for her," he agrees wryly. "I'm sure she's out there having a real good fuckin' laugh right now at us two."

[girl_at_the_window]

"There's always someone." Aunt Cord. Rhea. The Fog God. Susan's sick to the back teeth of being watched, sick of knowing it. Just once, it'd be nice to forget that actions have consequences, forget anyone can know anything. It'd be nice if things could be simple, just once.

She sighs, putting her coffee cup aside. "Eddie?"

[thefuckingbeam]

Eddie's tenses a little, when she says his name, and glances up at her through the flop of his hair.

"Yeah?"

He's expecting her to just ask him to go, already. To say she's changed her mind about not wanting to be alone. He wouldn't exactly blame her.

[girl_at_the_window]

Truth be told, she doesn't know what she's going to say. She just knows she needs to say something, knows it on a level that doesn't even scrape conscious planning. So she hesitates for a split second, before deciding to trust her instincts and just say whatever comes into her head.

Which happens to be, "I love you."

She's blushing, but she thinks it's true. She does love him. It's a different kind of love to what she felt for Roland, less heated, less desperate, but it feels like love nonetheless.

"I know that ain't helpful and I know we can't do a thing about it, but you ought to know, I guess. We ought to... I needed to say it."

[thefuckingbeam]

Eddie just stares at her, stock-still and wide-eyed, for a moment while he processes what it is she's saying. Christ, this is more complicated than he already thought it was. After a long moment, he bends his head, runs his hands through his hair.

"Jesus Christ, Susan. I mean, you're right, it isn't helpful, but..."

He lets out a long sigh and finally looks back up her. "I love you too, for what it's worth."

[girl_at_the_window]

Despite everything, despite the fact that he wasn't exactly subtle about responding to her kiss, there's a real surprise in her wide grey eyes. Somehow, it hadn't entirely fallen into place that he might feel the same way. He's married.

And so are you, she reminds herself, like a mental slap in the face. Or close enough to make no difference.

She bites her lip, finally dropping her gaze after a too-long period of eye contact. "If it were any other way..." But it isn't.

[thefuckingbeam]

He knows. And it's just as surprising to him, too, because he never wanted to be the guy who fell for someone that isn't his wife. But somewhere along the line, that's changed. At first he thought what he felt for Susan was just brotherly love, but...clearly that's not quite true.

"I know. And—God, I wish it was." He wishes they could both take a chance at happiness.

Fuck.

[girl_at_the_window]

Susan swallows, looking down at her hands, scratching at the leg of her jeans with one talon.

"I wish it was, too," she says, quietly. And in the back of her mind, bird and bear and hare and fish...

Has her fondest wish changed?

She sighs, reaching up to toy with her hair. There's an obnoxiously insistent part of her saying but it IS different. Susannah isn't here. Roland isn't here. Death already did you part, and worlds between him and his wife...

She can't afford to think like that. She can't afford to think herself round all the corners and loopholes, convince herself that it's not wrong. It is wrong. They both know it is. They're just going to have to work with it. The question is, can they avoid it? Her experience with Roland isn't exactly reassuring on that front.

"Tell me about her," she says, suddenly. "Susannah. Maybe it'll help."

[thefuckingbeam]

Eddie's struggling with the same kind of thoughts. The attempts to reason with his own conscience. What if he never sees Suze again, and he regrets not taking the chance to be happy when he has it?

Susan's request jolts him out of his thoughts, and makes his stomach do a weird little flip-flop. "You sure? I mean, I guess it might."

He clears his throat and looks down at his webbed hands while he talks. "She's really...no-nonsense. She doesn't take shit from anyone. There's different sides to her personality, and even though she's got perfect manners and is smart as a whip, she'll turn like that—" He snaps his fingers "if she thinks you're trying to pull one over on her. It's kind of amazing to watch, honestly."

[girl_at_the_window]

"She sounds like one hell of a woman." It's the absolute truth, even if it's tinged with a wisp of envy, an echo of grief. Susan admires no-nonsense women, women who'll stand up for themselves and never mind what comes of it. The kind of woman she wants to be.

She smiles faintly, her eyes fixing on a point a little way over his head - it's probably safer than looking him in the eye. "Sounds like you're as lucky to have her as she is to have you."

Maybe that's cruel. It definitely makes her own stomach twist, and she's sure it'll feel worse for him than for her, being reminded of it. But she needs to remind him, needs to remind herself, that he'd be a fool to take what she's offering. What she's trying very hard not to offer.

[thefuckingbeam]

"She is. She really is."

He already feels like shit, talking about his wife when he can still taste Susan on his lips, can still feel her arms around his shoulders even when there's plenty of space between them now. But it's a punch in this gut to hear Susan say that still, and he looks off to the side to hide the hurt in his eyes, squeezing them shut for a long moment.

"The former, yeah. The latter I doubt very much." Considering what a complete piece of shit he's being right now.

[girl_at_the_window]

"Quit that." Her voice is sharper than she means it to be. She just feels so ungodly tired - tired of pain, tired of heartache, tired of everything that's come since she woke up. "It is what it is. Ain't your fault or mine how we feel, just what we do."

It would be so nice, she thinks wistfully, if she could believe that. If she didn't feel like every inch the whore they used to call her, pining like this after a married man. Making him pine. Shit.

She picks up her mug again, stares down at the dregs, and groans quietly. "I need more coffee."

[thefuckingbeam]

[Eddie's jaw tightens, but he just nods. Susan has a point, after all. It's neither of their faults, but it is their problem. When she brings up the coffee, he springs to his feet almost comically fast.]

I'll make it. You rest.

[He takes both their cups into the kitchen and sets about making more, but not before taking a moment to press his face against one of Susan's cupboard doors and squeeze his eyes shut. Trying to ground himself, or something like it.]

[girl_at_the_window]

[The kitchen's not so far removed from the main room - it's a pretty open-plan house - but Susan still breathes a little easier when he's not right there, right near her, bringing everything up.]

[She sighs, rubbing her forehead. Da, what the hell do I do?]

[Her da is dead, and doesn't answer. Not even his memory does. She feels lost, cast adrift. When Eddie comes back, she looks up, her smile thin and tight.]

Thankee.